I'm a terrible person. I'm a terrible girlfriend.
I'm sitting here at my desk anticipating the worst from you. I'm preparing myself for that blow that may come when you finally do talk. When you are ready to talk about what is bothering you.
I want to move on from this fight that was caused because you overreacted over something that could have been handled a lot better. What I did was a simple misunderstanding and a stupid thing. You're the one who blew it out of proportion.
Yeah, I shouldn't have sent you that second text message, but you failed to even try to call me to find out without turning into a complete prick on messenger. You see, this is why I hate msn messenger and technology. YOU let me borrow your headset since you don't need it. Why the hell don't we use the voice chat more often?!
You didn't even try to call me when you noticed I was away. You didn't take the initiative to call me to find out that I had accidentally left messenger on.
Yes I know, I should have called you earlier to see how you were, etc. But, we all make mistakes. And right now, you acting this way right now and not being an adult and talking to me, it's making me think I made a mistake 6 years ago saying yes to you asking me out.
And for that, I hate you right now. You're making me think all these terrible thoughts about me, and about us.
I said what I felt needed to be said earlier tonight; me apologising and such. Now it's your turn to come out and just say what you feel needs to be said... even if it's the thing I fear the most, and yet am preparing for.
I don't know how I would be able to do things without you, i have no one to talk to, I have no friends, no one close. No one gives a shit about me. No one, not even most of my family. My mother is a selfish bitch who completely ruined my life and in the end, her actions and such have ruined me.
I am no longer that woman you fell in love with over 6 years ago, I have changed. The real world has changed me, all of the shit that has gone wrong in my life because of my family and my mother has completely ruined me.
I don't deserve to be happy, to be with someone like you. You don't deserve something like what I am. You don't deserve something as fucked up as this.
I'm sorry to have completely failed you. I won't do it again. You don't have to worry because I won't be around at all anymore. There's no reason for me to even try anything anymore in life and just give in.
My life is shit, I am shit. Always have, always will be. I've never been thought of. Why do I even bother trying to do anything with my life? My family will never notice me. I've always been a disappointment to my mother, I've always been the topic of criticism in my families eyes... Even though I do everything that I should. I'm 25, in school trying to do something with myself. Not 22, college drop-out, and knocked up my soon to be 20yr old girlfriend who seems to have no desire to do anything other than be mommy and wifey.
I should just up and leave. Maybe then it won't matter.
No one cares. I've always felt that way.
I give up on happiness, I'll never have it. I keep fucking up every good thing I have. Including the years we've been together. That I hope we can continue and add more happy years... But, you're making me think it won't happen.
Again, I'm sorry I'm such a failure and fuck up.
20.1.13
3.12.12
No I am not dead
I have not fallen off the face of the planet. Don't worry. Well, the one person who subscribes to this know I'm not dead. I chat with her every night.
Anyway.
School has taken most of my time. I'm a Graduate student, we have no lives... Well... some of us have no lives, I'm one who does not and it seems like only 2 people are friends of mine but I don't hang out with anyone from the program... My work hours don't permit me any time to go and do stuff that is offered during the day for my program, and when I don't have class, I'm usually stuck in my bedroom doing homework.
The way I do things, I have no allotted time for a social life :(
Oh well,
back to work before I fail.
Anyway.
School has taken most of my time. I'm a Graduate student, we have no lives... Well... some of us have no lives, I'm one who does not and it seems like only 2 people are friends of mine but I don't hang out with anyone from the program... My work hours don't permit me any time to go and do stuff that is offered during the day for my program, and when I don't have class, I'm usually stuck in my bedroom doing homework.
The way I do things, I have no allotted time for a social life :(
Oh well,
back to work before I fail.
14.3.12
You Reap What you Sow
Earlier tonight I decided to watch the new ABC series GCB (or Good Christian Bitches) which is based off a book of the same name written by Kim Gatlin.
The series basically is about a woman (Amanda Vaughn) who was the "Queen Bitch" back during her high school days. She returns to a high class suburb outside of Dallas, Texas after her asshole husband squandered their money, the money of others, and left her to run off with his mistress, and dies in the process (more about this later).
The series so far follows Amanda and her redeeming herself from all her horrible ways while she was a teenager, mending her relationship with her mother, a friend of hers, and making sure her children don't end up in a screwed up life like she did, all while dealing with an extremely judgemental bitch (Carlene "Kitten") who is now the Queen bitch and is controlling over 2 other women (Cricket and Sharon)- formerly 3 (Heather stands up for herself and actually forgives Amanda and they start over). Cricket and Sharon atm follow the bidding of Carlene.
Now to my point of the title. After the first church service in the series, the sign outside of the building read "You Reap What You Sow". One of Amanda's kids ask her what it means. Her response was, "It's Texan for Karma".
Watching the series and hearing that made me think of everything and how what we do, and how we act will come back to us in the end. A good way to show this is to connect the series into this.
Example: Amanda's husband dies in a car crash. Wanna know how that happened? He left his wife and kids, was fleeing to Mexico, with his mistress and all the money he squandered from clients. He ended up crashing in the end, while he was getting road head by his mistress. Karma: you cheated on your wife, squandered money from innocent people. Enjoy
Amanda: She is now facing the fact that her life fell apart, has to deal with the bitches of the community who have not forgiven her. However, she realises this is her karma and is working on getting her life back in order and isn't falling too deeply into their ways. Starting with apologising for her mistakes. As well as making sure her kids don't end up like her.
To connect my life into this. I like to think that I try not to do bad towards others, no matter what because I know that it will come back. I have had that happen. I still have moments where I mess up and face my just desserts. I try my best not to be mean to others.
Recently my friend had a picture taken off of her Facebook profile and it was turned into a very hurtful meme, making fun of her being overweight. This was hurtful and she was upset over it. So, a bunch of us went on the page and reported the picture, reported his page. Her boyfriend posted to the guy asking him to take it down and not to take pictures of her off her page. We all got flamed by these people. They kept mocking her, calling her names and making fun of her weight. The part it gets to me is the fact they did not show any remorse or even apologise once we had found out it was her picture and asked. They just kept at it and were harassing us as well. It is hurtful knowing how they are and they didn't care considering it's people like them who push her to feel horrible about herself and turn her more depressed and lose confidence in herself and it could get worse. We of course threw in the karma thing and they of course didn't give a shit.
Well guess what? Eventually they will get what they will deserve. She will do awesome in her life, while they will have to grow up quick and deal with some crap thrown at them. Not by us, but this will come and bite them in the butt. The way we made this a point to them was not by being direct assholes, we just did it in subtlety and let them know. We acted maturely. They did not.
I like to think they will get what the deserve for all the hurtful messages they make towards people and that maybe they will grow up once they do have to deal with their Karma. But, that will be up to them how they handle it. We are in control over our destiny and only we decide how we handle the situations thrown at us. We also are in control over how we treat those around us. Because remember these: Karma does happen, You Reap What You Sow, and The Golden Rule.
I do apologise for the long post
The series basically is about a woman (Amanda Vaughn) who was the "Queen Bitch" back during her high school days. She returns to a high class suburb outside of Dallas, Texas after her asshole husband squandered their money, the money of others, and left her to run off with his mistress, and dies in the process (more about this later).
The series so far follows Amanda and her redeeming herself from all her horrible ways while she was a teenager, mending her relationship with her mother, a friend of hers, and making sure her children don't end up in a screwed up life like she did, all while dealing with an extremely judgemental bitch (Carlene "Kitten") who is now the Queen bitch and is controlling over 2 other women (Cricket and Sharon)- formerly 3 (Heather stands up for herself and actually forgives Amanda and they start over). Cricket and Sharon atm follow the bidding of Carlene.
Now to my point of the title. After the first church service in the series, the sign outside of the building read "You Reap What You Sow". One of Amanda's kids ask her what it means. Her response was, "It's Texan for Karma".
Watching the series and hearing that made me think of everything and how what we do, and how we act will come back to us in the end. A good way to show this is to connect the series into this.
Example: Amanda's husband dies in a car crash. Wanna know how that happened? He left his wife and kids, was fleeing to Mexico, with his mistress and all the money he squandered from clients. He ended up crashing in the end, while he was getting road head by his mistress. Karma: you cheated on your wife, squandered money from innocent people. Enjoy
Amanda: She is now facing the fact that her life fell apart, has to deal with the bitches of the community who have not forgiven her. However, she realises this is her karma and is working on getting her life back in order and isn't falling too deeply into their ways. Starting with apologising for her mistakes. As well as making sure her kids don't end up like her.
To connect my life into this. I like to think that I try not to do bad towards others, no matter what because I know that it will come back. I have had that happen. I still have moments where I mess up and face my just desserts. I try my best not to be mean to others.
Recently my friend had a picture taken off of her Facebook profile and it was turned into a very hurtful meme, making fun of her being overweight. This was hurtful and she was upset over it. So, a bunch of us went on the page and reported the picture, reported his page. Her boyfriend posted to the guy asking him to take it down and not to take pictures of her off her page. We all got flamed by these people. They kept mocking her, calling her names and making fun of her weight. The part it gets to me is the fact they did not show any remorse or even apologise once we had found out it was her picture and asked. They just kept at it and were harassing us as well. It is hurtful knowing how they are and they didn't care considering it's people like them who push her to feel horrible about herself and turn her more depressed and lose confidence in herself and it could get worse. We of course threw in the karma thing and they of course didn't give a shit.
Well guess what? Eventually they will get what they will deserve. She will do awesome in her life, while they will have to grow up quick and deal with some crap thrown at them. Not by us, but this will come and bite them in the butt. The way we made this a point to them was not by being direct assholes, we just did it in subtlety and let them know. We acted maturely. They did not.
I like to think they will get what the deserve for all the hurtful messages they make towards people and that maybe they will grow up once they do have to deal with their Karma. But, that will be up to them how they handle it. We are in control over our destiny and only we decide how we handle the situations thrown at us. We also are in control over how we treat those around us. Because remember these: Karma does happen, You Reap What You Sow, and The Golden Rule.
I do apologise for the long post
11.3.12
I baked
I finally baked a few days ago.
Tuesday afternoon while we were out, he mentioned how much he was craving baking chocolate chip cookies.
Wednesday night, Mike's internet gave out on him and he was offline for about 4hr. So, what did I do? I decided to bake chocolate chip cookies for him.
He was excited when he came back online when I told him I baked him cookies. Thursday, he was antsy to get out of work so he could get over to my house to pick me up and see me and get his cookies. ^^ I plan on baking for him again soon. :)
I realise I haven't been online much on here, but I only have 1 known follower and I talk to her every night online :P
Though I shall state if there are new people other than my friend; I was accepted to to the University at Buffalo's Library Science programme in Feb. I'm excited and nervous. I also am a bit antsy since they're under a conditional accreditation with the ALA ^^"
I'm sure I'll be fine. Even though I'm also paranoid over the whole "I'm going to grad school in the Fall" thing. ^^"
1.2.12
Must bake!
So, today I spent the day going through sites I have with recipes... Dammit! I wanna cook/bake for Mike!!!
Maybe I can get the stuff from the store this Friday when my mom goes grocery shopping. Sucks I have to hope my parents can buy the stuff for me.
Oh well. I told myself that it will be ok with the money, I can hold off a little bit till after Mike takes his LSAT and then I can get back to looking all over the place. I'm going to ask him if we can go to the mall near by so I can apply at stores there. In a couple months I will reapply to the places I applied to already online to see if I can get a chance.
Ugh, sucks if I didn't have to be forced to move from Greece NY and made to live in Henrietta, I would have a job as a page at one of the libraries in Greece. They all knew me at Barnard Crossing, I had references up the ass then. Soo much praise. But noooo I had to move to Henrietta and made to start anew... Even though the Young Adult librarian there remembers me from Barnard (it was her fault I started volunteering back in the summer after 9th grade)
Oh well.. Enough bitching.
Baking. It shall happen next week ;)
Maybe I can get the stuff from the store this Friday when my mom goes grocery shopping. Sucks I have to hope my parents can buy the stuff for me.
Oh well. I told myself that it will be ok with the money, I can hold off a little bit till after Mike takes his LSAT and then I can get back to looking all over the place. I'm going to ask him if we can go to the mall near by so I can apply at stores there. In a couple months I will reapply to the places I applied to already online to see if I can get a chance.
Ugh, sucks if I didn't have to be forced to move from Greece NY and made to live in Henrietta, I would have a job as a page at one of the libraries in Greece. They all knew me at Barnard Crossing, I had references up the ass then. Soo much praise. But noooo I had to move to Henrietta and made to start anew... Even though the Young Adult librarian there remembers me from Barnard (it was her fault I started volunteering back in the summer after 9th grade)
Oh well.. Enough bitching.
Baking. It shall happen next week ;)
Baking & no money
Well. Lets start with the second part of the subject since it sucks.
I am very strapped for cash because it is the first of February. The applications for UB's Library Science programme are due today. I finished mine back in December. The applications go to the committee tomorrow morning. :/ Now I am a little paranoid about that. But, I have just thought of all of the money I have to spend just to get all of the stuff taken care of. $25 application fee for the apartments on campus I want to go for, the $300 housing deposit, and the admissions deposit. :( I only have a little over $300 in my account, $400 after I put in my last 2 pay checks from NDA. This means I have to use the money from Christmas that was supposed to go towards a laptop (though I am getting money from my dad that he owes me.)
This means I have to ask Mike for money... I hate doing that, even if he has enough to help me. I know he would have no problem helping me since I'll split the costs with him, that and he loves helping me if he can. I hate to have to because he is applying for the Law School programme at the same school.
note: No we did not plan that. Long before we met (we met in 06) we both knew we wanted to go to UB for Graduate School. I knew my career path back in 2003, him somewhere while he was still in high school.
So, now I have not much money, a lot that needs to be spent. I have to take care of loan stuff (I have to get a hold of Chase to see what I have to do to change my information... -.- so they can send me information about my loan that I have to defer, I have to get ahold of the Department of Edu to defer my loans.)
I have no job so yeah ^^"
Oh and on the Medicaid front, because I worked within the last 6 mo... Even though it was a Student worker job, part time, 3.5hr a week at minimum wage... I have to apply for unemployment and have paperwork from them either denying me or something before I can apply for Medicaid. -.- Stupid. Oh well... I'll get insurance eventually.
Baking:
Now the happy thing. I dunno if I mentioned but my boyfriend is taking the LSAT (Law School Admissions Test) on the 11th of this month. My plan is to spend Friday with him to help him study (the 10th) then depending on what happens, if I'm home on the 11th while he's at the U of R taking his test, I want to bake him his cookie cake. http://www.cooks.com/rec/view/0,176,151185-235199,00.html
The above is the recipe I make for him. I first made it for him back in 2007 when he first went away to Fredonia State. It was the weekend after Halloween that year and my dad drove me down to visit him for the weekend as a late birthday weekend for the 2 of us (Our birthdays are 5 days apart in October). His birthday cake is a Chocolate Chip Cookie cake. His mom would just normally buy it from the grocery store in town and it's just basically a giant cookie. I like it yes. But, I like baking. So, I surprised him with a birthday cake. This cookie cake is more cakey but is still like a cookie. ^^ he loved it, still was eating it a few days after I had gone home. I still make it for him. His mom doesn't buy the cookie cake for him for his birthday anymore: she buys a frozen cheesecake sampler. If I'm home he gets that and this cake. ^^
But, I was away at school both in 2010 and 2011 at our birthday times. So, it has been a couple years since I made it for him. So, I figure I'll surprise him with this on the 11th when he comes over to grab me from my house before we go to his house for the evening (plus his evening of being spoiled which is why I'm making the cake for him)
Oh look, a wall of text ^^"
I am very strapped for cash because it is the first of February. The applications for UB's Library Science programme are due today. I finished mine back in December. The applications go to the committee tomorrow morning. :/ Now I am a little paranoid about that. But, I have just thought of all of the money I have to spend just to get all of the stuff taken care of. $25 application fee for the apartments on campus I want to go for, the $300 housing deposit, and the admissions deposit. :( I only have a little over $300 in my account, $400 after I put in my last 2 pay checks from NDA. This means I have to use the money from Christmas that was supposed to go towards a laptop (though I am getting money from my dad that he owes me.)
This means I have to ask Mike for money... I hate doing that, even if he has enough to help me. I know he would have no problem helping me since I'll split the costs with him, that and he loves helping me if he can. I hate to have to because he is applying for the Law School programme at the same school.
note: No we did not plan that. Long before we met (we met in 06) we both knew we wanted to go to UB for Graduate School. I knew my career path back in 2003, him somewhere while he was still in high school.
So, now I have not much money, a lot that needs to be spent. I have to take care of loan stuff (I have to get a hold of Chase to see what I have to do to change my information... -.- so they can send me information about my loan that I have to defer, I have to get ahold of the Department of Edu to defer my loans.)
I have no job so yeah ^^"
Oh and on the Medicaid front, because I worked within the last 6 mo... Even though it was a Student worker job, part time, 3.5hr a week at minimum wage... I have to apply for unemployment and have paperwork from them either denying me or something before I can apply for Medicaid. -.- Stupid. Oh well... I'll get insurance eventually.
Baking:
Now the happy thing. I dunno if I mentioned but my boyfriend is taking the LSAT (Law School Admissions Test) on the 11th of this month. My plan is to spend Friday with him to help him study (the 10th) then depending on what happens, if I'm home on the 11th while he's at the U of R taking his test, I want to bake him his cookie cake. http://www.cooks.com/rec/view/0,176,151185-235199,00.html
The above is the recipe I make for him. I first made it for him back in 2007 when he first went away to Fredonia State. It was the weekend after Halloween that year and my dad drove me down to visit him for the weekend as a late birthday weekend for the 2 of us (Our birthdays are 5 days apart in October). His birthday cake is a Chocolate Chip Cookie cake. His mom would just normally buy it from the grocery store in town and it's just basically a giant cookie. I like it yes. But, I like baking. So, I surprised him with a birthday cake. This cookie cake is more cakey but is still like a cookie. ^^ he loved it, still was eating it a few days after I had gone home. I still make it for him. His mom doesn't buy the cookie cake for him for his birthday anymore: she buys a frozen cheesecake sampler. If I'm home he gets that and this cake. ^^
But, I was away at school both in 2010 and 2011 at our birthday times. So, it has been a couple years since I made it for him. So, I figure I'll surprise him with this on the 11th when he comes over to grab me from my house before we go to his house for the evening (plus his evening of being spoiled which is why I'm making the cake for him)
Oh look, a wall of text ^^"
25.1.12
No school.
Well...
I'm not in school right now because I graduated. It's hard this week since Monday was the first day of classes at the Uni I graduated from.
However, coping isn't too bad. At least I have time to read, look for work, hang out with Mike, have fun, and study Finnish.
Yes. Study Finnish.
I can finally sit around and actually learn. Now just for my sites to work so I can learn better. Oh yes and watch Masterchef Suomi.
I'm not in school right now because I graduated. It's hard this week since Monday was the first day of classes at the Uni I graduated from.
However, coping isn't too bad. At least I have time to read, look for work, hang out with Mike, have fun, and study Finnish.
Yes. Study Finnish.
I can finally sit around and actually learn. Now just for my sites to work so I can learn better. Oh yes and watch Masterchef Suomi.
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